THE DISCOVERY OF COOKED FOOD



THE DISCOVERY OF COOKING FOOD 

BY THE NEANDERTHALS and CRO-MAGNONS

Cro-Magnon, population of early Homo sapiens dating from the Upper Paleolithic Period (c. 40,000 to c. 10,000 years ago) in Europe… In 1868, in a shallow cave at Cro-Magnon near the town of Les Eyzies-de-Tayac in the Dordogne region of southwestern France, a number of obviously ancient human skeletons were found.


THE DISCOVERY OF FIRE
I can see the first caveman discovering the joy of a good pulled Pork-a-Saurus  sandwich, or Pterodactyl wings and Buffalo fries while observing the NFL, The Neanderthal Fighting League.  It was an era when men were men, fought each other and most women looked like men.  It was when man really got into this food thing.  It was that or starve.

It was the Cro-Magnons Strikers vs. the Neandermen, an outstanding game only if you were the winner. It was heart and sometimes head breaking for the losers.  Food, water, and shelter were the prizes for survival and the Cro-Magnon were up by ten points by the odds makers, better adapted to surviving the Ice Age than the Neanderthals. And they had FIRE.

Our hero, we’ll call him “ CROW” also probably discovered beer about the same time as the Ice Age and that was an even better revelation.  Cold beer and hot food, what a combo!   Fortunately since they had no coolers, remnant glaciers of the ice age kept the beer cold, and a few Neanderthals stupid enough to reach for the beer, fell into crevices looking for those six-packs. They are still there, occasionally with the earth warming up, one pops up from time to time.

One day CROW brought home some FIRE Cooking the Pork-E-Saurus and burnt Badaydoes presented new problems for CROW, his pal GROG the Medicine Man and their gang since they held the meat with their hands in the fire. 

It was HANDEI’S  arm CROW was shoving in the fire to hold the meat, and a revolt took place.  One severe clubbing changed the whole relationship.  HANDAI had enough and dispatched CROW and took over as the leader.

He was now the respected male Cro-Magnon leader, simply being the only one able to walk after the confrontation, and he had made a discovery of controlled fire.  

He started a business, he was working as a door to door salesman, helping other Cro-Magnons.  Think of him as the first Weber guy, and showed the cavemen the benefits of charcoal, making a circle of rocks, and slow cooking upon flat slabs of rock. 

GROG, liked the program so much and the food, he joined HANDAI and became his associate and helper,  being a Medicine man was not profitable.  He was quick to learn, looking back at the smoke in his burnt cave, and still smarting from his burnt hand,  he thought this was a good plan and he liked HANDEI and called him his HANDAI-MAN from that day forth and they started a company.  

Business was good for HANDAI and GROG… Cooking was time consuming and took away from hunting and breeding.  Mans favorite pastime to this day.  So he enlisted the help of the ladies of the cave which led to equality. GROG taught his wife BIENDOVER to do the cooking since he almost burnt his arm off four times.  She invented the forked sharpened stick to hold and move the meat.  

ED. NOTE:   THIS IS BACKED BY SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY, WOMEN INVENTED STICKS TO COOK, MEN INVENT CLUBS TO CLUB, Hmmm,  TRUE TO THIS DAY


They were the first caveman restauranteur couple to attempt HANDAI’s cooking techniques as published by First Stone Publishing.  Their creation was steaks, chops, legs, tail and 
faux gras on a stick and proudly announced that it tasted great, last time it tasted more of hair and burnt nails, now they use a stick… and the meat was delicious, cavemen came from miles around to eat at GROGS. 

Business doubled and he decided to franchise his operation and offer Pterodactyl size wings with Volcano sauce and choice parts of Pulled Brontosaurus for the Holidays.  Then for entertainment he added dancing girls and we had the first sports bar.  Business was great.

But then on a busy night, at the bar, his wife “ BIENDOVER  said it was her idea to use sticks, not his.  That did not sit well with GROG.   He wanted all the credit.  He turned around and clubbed his wife, one more time and that was too much for her.  

While asleep, he had his hair and head rearranged by a sixty-eight pound brick.  He was mortally slammed by her and she even used his own club on him, to finish the job symbolically, nevertheless she ended their relationship permanently.  

BIENDOVER found a new suitor the next day.  His name was E’UM GLICK… He also came with a great idea and to entice new suitors and customers to the fire pit cooked up a great meal featuring Testicles.  Her ex-mates Testicles included, and to this day, it is a Serbian Custom.  Thats his member in her hand she used for the stock. She was known as the Mother of Testicles for a few million years.

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction, when I wrote the comedy piece of the Discovery of Cooking, I get an e-mail from overseas about I had accidentally mentioned their custom, low and behold… an actual event…  



WORLD TESTICLE COOKING CHAMPIONSHIP

LIPOVICA, Serbia (AFP):  The World Testicle Cooking Championship features spring rolls, Lots of Balls, ratatouille,  and curry were on the menu. It draws a motley mix of teams — from groups of friends to professional chefs.  

OK,  for those who wrote me twenty jokes came into play sent in by those who called the enthusiasts of balls as cuisine  a bunch of  “ jerkoffs … Ha-Ha!

And in January it was the 2019 annual gathering of those who basically go balls to the walls in cooking.  They have a nice website on Facebook for more information on this group of individuals who believe balls will cure anything and make you a stronger man or women.

WARNING: The FDA nor the USDA condones this practice thinking these people are simply nuts about nuts!  Be careful about how many  you consume but if you find yourself mooing at the moon, quit immediately.  

But here are some shots from the 2016-2018 cook offs.  And it looks like they all had a great ball chomping afternoon.


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AND THE WINNERS FOR THEIR SECRET RECIPES, NO SHORTAGE 

OF INGREDIENTS, BALLS ARE PLENTIFUL…